As the new school year approaches, parents everywhere are bracing for the familiar refrain…. “I don’t wanna go to school! Do I have to? Can’t I just stay home???” This plea, often delivered in a sing-song whine, can bring irritation to even the calmest, gentlest parent. Most mornings, busy caretakers are rushing to get their kids up and out the door and don’t have time to debate with children as to whether they can just stay home. It can be difficult to hear and see your kids struggling in school.
Schools in the DC Metro area are becoming increasingly demanding and competitive, adding to the pressure that students face. It's important for parents to recognize that school can be a significant source of stress for kids. Even those who love school may find it overwhelming at times. Our nervous system does not know the difference between the stress of a lion coming to attack us and the anxiety of an upcoming algebra test or English test. Our bodies and brains react the same way. As parents, we need to model how to manage stress and the mental and physical tension when we feel pressure and stress.
How to respond to your child’s reluctance to go to school:
Stay calm: remember, when someone is in a heightened state of arousal, they are often not in a state to be able to hear what you are saying. When our frontal lobes are “offline,” problem-solving becomes difficult. Debating with someone in this state of fight/flight/freeze only leads to our own frustration. It’s natural for us to do what we can to avoid anything we perceive as a stressor or threat.
Validate their feelings: Sometimes just saying “I can see that you are feeling nervous” or “You’re right, school can be hard sometimes” can help to de-escalate your child and get them in a state where they can engage in meaningful conversation.
Get more details and be genuinely curious: “Can you tell me what’s happening at school that you don’t want to go to today?” or “Is there anything about school today that is different?” Perhaps there is a test they forgot about or a certain class they are struggling in.
Ask about school without judgment about grades: Remember going to school and seeing someone’s test score written in red ink and circled? Remember hiding your own test score from others because you were embarrassed? Kids experience a great deal of peer pressure and “compare and despair” based on the performance of others in their classes.
Validate again and hold your boundaries: Let your child know that you hear them and understand their feelings. You might say, “I hear that you are feeling ____ about ____ today. I know that is hard/difficult/upsetting/stressful/(insert feeling here). It’s my job as your parent to help you get to school and encourage you as much as I can in your learning. I know it can be uncomfortable to feel those feelings, but they are only feelings, and you can decide how to respond to them. Your only job today is to be in the building and go to class. When you get home, let’s brainstorm ways that could make school a little more manageable for you. I love you and I am here to support you” Do everything you can to get your child into the school building.
Check in with yourself while they are at school: What feelings did this interaction bring up in you? Were you angry, irritated, frustrated? What thoughts did you have? Did you want to rescue your child and not make them go? Did you want to say “suck it up! When I was your age, I didn’t have a choice!!!” Every feeling and thought we experience can influence how we engage our children in those moments.
Process the day afterward: When your child comes home, talk about how the day went. Focus on what went well, what they can control, and any positive aspects of the day.
Learn about your kids’ school day often: Is there a certain class that’s more difficult? A teacher they love? Something they want to get involved with? When kids are in a calm state, make space and time to talk about school one-on-one.
Some ways to get your kids prepared for the school year now:
Start changing the bedtime/wake time: For teenagers who may have become nocturnal during the summer, it’s important to start shifting schedules now so kids’ bodies are prepared for early wake times. Our bodies tend to function more optimally when we go to bed and wake up around the same time every day. Start by shifting in 15-20 minute increments to ease the transition.
Set up routines now: Consider how you want the evenings to be structured. Do you want screens off at a certain time? Do you want kids to be doing homework or practicing a skill after school? Without adding too much pressure, begin to build back in the habits that were necessary and effective during the school year in small steps.
Practice self-advocacy skills and recognize strengths: Talk to your kids about their fears for the new school year and discuss ways they can advocate for themselves. Encourage them to recognize their strengths and how they can use them to succeed.
School can bring up a lot of mixed emotions in both parents and kids. Try to work with your kids rather than resist their responses and reactions. Remember, school is meant to be challenging—it’s an obligation, not a choice. If children can feel as though they have some control around their schooling and see the benefits of learning, this can help them to feel more engaged and positive about attending school.
“The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.” — B.B. King
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