Last night, my 3-year-old woke up at 2:30 am., hysterical, likely from a bad dream. I had to quickly decide whether to relieve my very full bladder or rush to his room. (I chose to run to the bathroom first). While sitting there, I felt pangs of guilt knowing that my toddler was upset and I was making him wait longer. I recognized this self-judgment and offered myself some self-compassion before calming him and returning to sleep myself.
As parents, we often face numerous quick decisions about whose needs come first. From the moment a baby is born, there’s a constant struggle between the needs of the parent and the needs of the baby. Mothers, for example, might be in significant pain and recovering from childbirth, yet they must focus on their crying newborn.
When parents’ needs aren’t being met, we struggle to care for others effectively, leading to irritability, frustration, anger, miscommunication, overwhelm, and burnout. It negatively impacts the environment in our home. We become the people and parents we do NOT want to be. Oftentimes, caregivers feel that they are not allowed to take time for themselves. When they do, they can be met with guilt, questioning, frustration, or upset from others or themselves. It’s important to take the time to recognize that taking care of yourself makes you a better parent, partner, and friend!
Little things throughout the day can make a huge difference in your mood and functioning. Self-care does not need to be an extensive, time-consuming, or expensive regimen. When you feel like you have “no time” for self-care, here are some quick strategies that can make all the difference:
Be aware of your judgments: If you are practicing self-care but judging yourself negatively or making yourself feel guilty, the benefits are diminished. Shift your thoughts to allow yourself to have permission to take care of yourself.
Do a cost-benefit analysis: if you are choosing between two things – for example: taking a shower vs. completing a task around the house; ask yourself “What will have the most benefit for me right now?” This can change depending on the moment and the situation. If you know that a shower calms you enough to focus on the task, shower first. If you know that you will not complete the task unless you finish it at that moment, finish the task. Do what you feel will best meet your needs at that particular time.
Recognize small moments of self-care: Simple actions like going to bed 15 minutes earlier, making sure you are eating regular meals, taking deep breaths while driving carpool, practicing self-compassionate phrases throughout the day, drinking an extra glass of water, standing on the grass and looking at the sun, or practicing being present throughout the day can have a huge impact on your daily functioning.
Do a 2-minute body scan: Often we don’t recognize that we are holding tension in our bodies. Take a few minutes, recognize where you are holding tension or stress in your body, and try to relax those parts of your body throughout the day.
Determine your daily “pain points”: If you know that mealtimes, bedtimes, or transition times are going to cause tension, brainstorm strategies that can make these times less chaotic. Shifting a routine to make things easier can make a huge difference (like packing things the night before, delegating tasks, or meal planning ahead of time).
Move with your family: Take a walk after dinner, have a dance party, or watch an active video such as https://www.gonoodle.com/ or https://cosmickids.com/
Pay attention to how you are feeling when you take time for yourself. If you continue to feel guilty or shameful about taking time for yourself, this might be worth exploring in therapy. Recharging your batteries is necessary and critical. Let your kids see you taking care of yourself daily. This will demonstrate to them the importance of implementing self-care into their routines as adults.
“Self-care is the non-negotiable. That’s the thing that you have to do. And beauty is the thing that can be the benefit of the self-care. Beauty is not the point. Beauty is just a cute side-effect from self-care.” — Jonathan Van Ness
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